An Optimus Christmas
by SilverBlade
Summary: Optimus Primal is depressed about the commercialization of Christmas.


An Optimus Christmas

Scene: Future earth, during the time of the Maximals and Predacons.

The song "Christmas Time is Here" plays on a stereo system, shaped and colored like the older Autobot Blaster, as a group of Maximals ice-skate on a frozen pond. A dust cloud follows a particular dirty Maximal.

Optimus Primal and Cheetor exit out of a Maximal building to make their way towards the frozen pond. Primal stops at a brick wall and leans against it as Cheetor stops beside him.

"I think there's something wrong with me Cheetor. The human celebration of Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy, I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel..." Primal says, before they resume their journey. He continues as they walk "I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents, and sending Christmas cards, and decorating trees and all of that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed."

"Optimus, you're the only bot I know that can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

Back at the frozen pond, the rest of the Maximals continue to skate. SilverBolt changes into beast mode and runs on the ice, getting caught up first with Air Razor, who grabs onto his wing. The other Maximals then join in the ever-increasing chain of linked Maximals on the ice. He then spins rapidly which sends the other Maximals flying. Optimus and Cheetor arrive on the ice, only for Silverbolt, still in beast mode, to zip past Cheetor and knock him off balance. Cheetor instinctively reaches for SilverBolt's tail and is carried away as Silverbolt runs on the ice. They crash into Primal and he reaches for Cheetor's hand as SilverBolt runs with both of them holding on. SilverBolt spins rapidly in a circle and sends Primal crashing into a tree.

Within the Maximal HQ, Primal sits on the commander's chair and looks outside to the snowfall. He picks up his data pad "Any Christmas messages, computer?" The computer responds "There are no Christmas related messages for you." "Drat!" Primal says to himself, expecting something to be there. He begins to walk outside on the Maximal grounds "I wish someone would send me a Christmas card to me today. Sometimes I wish this wasn't a holiday season. I know no one likes me, why do we have to have a holiday to emphasize it?" He comes across a feathered Maximal. "Thanks for sending me a Christmas card, Air Razor." He says sarcastically. She looks confused and responds "I didn't send you a Christmas card, Optimus." She then walks past him. "You don't know sarcasm when you hear it?" Optimus calls back.

He walks some more and comes across a tall snow man, covered in dirt. Wreck Gar comes around and pats down on it some more. "Wreck Gar, you're the only bot I know that can raise a cloud of dust in a snow storm." Optimus says and continues walking.

He comes across an outdoor doghouse, with a pile of metal bones starting from the ground reaching to the top of the dog house. SilverBolt sits on top of the house, reading something on a data pad and occasionally reaches for one of the bones to munch on.

Optimus continues walking and approaches another group of Maximals; Elita-1, Black Arachnia, Cheetor and Jazz.

Elita-1 looks up at the snowfall "Try to get snowflakes on your tongue. It's fun!" Black Arachnia tries it "Needs uranium. I never eat December snowflakes. I wait until January." Cheetor examines the snowflakes "they look ripe to me."

Optimus walks past the group and towards a metallic booth labeled "Psychiatric Booth".

"I think you have a customer" Jazz says to Black Arachnia and she zips towards the booth and stands on the other side.

"I'm in sad shape" Optimus says, but before he can continue, Black Arachnia interrupts and holds a can with a coin slot. "Before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. 1 Galactic Credit please." Optimus sighs and reaches into a compartment and digs out a glowing coin, and drops it into the can. Black Arachnia begins to shake it, hearing the combined sound of metal hitting metal, and an energetic 'hum' when the coin hits the can. She squeals with joy. "Boy, what a sound. How I love hearing that old credit plate, that beautiful sound of cold, hard cash. That beautiful, beautiful sound! Credits, Credits, Credits! That beautiful sound of plunking credits! All right, now, what seems to be your trouble?

Optimus looks at her for a second at the blatant display of her love for money. He clears his throat. "I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I'm not."

Black Arachnia sits up. "Well, as they say on TV, the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone. I think we'd better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what you're afraid of, we can label it. Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia." Optimus shakes his head. "I don't think that's quite it. I'm the leader of the Maximals." Black Arachnia thinks a bit. "How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia." Optimus looks at her. "My second in command is a cat!" He responds. Black Arachnia looks back at Optimus. "Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?" Optimus looks at her confused "The fear of everything?" Black Arachnia responds. "Yes." Optimus shouts at her "THAT'S IT!" which knocks her off of her chair.

"Actually, Black Arachnia, my trouble is Christmas. I just don't understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down." Optimus says.

Black Arachnia thinks for a moment. "You need involvement. You need to get involved in some real Christmas project. The humans have been asking for us to do a Christmas play. How would you like to direct it?"

Optimus says "Me? You want me to be the director of the Christmas play?" Black Arachia smiles. "Sure, Optimus We need a director, You need involvement. We've got a shepherd, musicians, animals, everyone we need. We've even got a Christmas Queen." Optimus looks away. "I don't know anything about directing a Christmas play." Black Arachnia looks up at Optimus. "I can assure you, leading the Maximal forces on earth is far more difficult than directing a play. But don't worry, I'll be there to help you. I'll meet you at the stadium. Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that.

The pair watches Silverbolt walk by. Black Arachnia begins to speak "It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a hover cycle or something like that." Optimus responds with "What is it you want?" Black Arachnia states factually. "Real estate."

They both watch Silverbolt walk past carrying a box of Christmas lights and decorations. Optimus follows him. Silverbolt begins building compex and intricate Christmas display on the dog house. Optimus says sternly to SilverBolt. "What's going on here?" Silverbolt calmly hands Optimus a datapad "What's this? Optimus asks as he begins to read the screen. "Find the true meaning of Christmas. Win money, money, money. Spectacular, super colossal, neighborhood Christmas lights and display contest." He looks up from the datapad. "Lights and a display contest! Oh, no. the fuzor has commercial. I can't stand it!" Optimus calls out in disgust as he walks away from the group.

Chromia approaches Optimus. "I've been looking for you, big bot. Will you please write a letter to Santa Clause for me?" she asks. Optimus, knowing that the datapads could handle this easily, turns to Chromia and says "Well, I don't have much time. I'm supposed to get down to the stadium and direct the Christmas play. Chromia perks up and says "You write it and I'll tell you what I want to say." Optimus sighs, knowing she's not going to give up, gives in and says "Okay, shoot." as he pulls out a data pad. Chromia begins. "Dear Santa Clause, how've you been? How is your wife? Did you have a nice summer? I wish it was. I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want." Optimus looks up from his datapad. "Oh, Primus." Chromia ignores Optimus and keeps on talking. "Please note the size and color of each item

and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself Just send galactic credits. How about tens and twenties? "Tens and twenties? Not you too?!" Optimus exclaims as he runs off. "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share." Chromia says to herself.

At the stadium on the monstrous set, the Maximals are dancing to music, provided by Jazz's speakers. Black Arachnia, holding a datapad calls out "All right everybody, our director will be here any minute and we'll start rehearsal!"

Elita-1 looks over to Black Arachnia "What director?" "Optimus Primal" Black Arachnia responds. "Oh no, we're doomed!" exclaims Air Razor" "This will be the worst Christmas play ever!" cries Elita-1.

Black Arachnia calls to the Maximals. "Here he comes! Attention, everyone! Here's our director." The majority of the group applauds, except for a single 'boo', which comes from SilverBolt. Optimus sighs "Man's best friend." as he looks at Silverbolt. Optimus walks over to the metallic director's chair and speaks to the group of Maximals. "Well, it's real good seeing you all here. As you know, we are going to put on the Christmas play. Due to the shortage of time, we'll get right down to work. One of the first things to ensure a

good performance, pay strict attention to the director. I'll keep my direction simple. If point to the right, it means focus attention stage right. If I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means cut the scene short. If I make a revolving motion with my hand, it means pick up the tempo. If I spread my hands apart, it means slow down. It's the spirit of the actors that counts. The interest that they show in their director. Am I right? I said, am I right?"

The Maximal group goes right back to dancing to the "Linus and Lucy" music. Optimus taps on his wrist to make his voice sound like a megaphone. Stop the music! All right, now. We're going to do this play and we're going to do it right. Black Arachnia, get those costumes and scripts and pass 'em out. Now, the script girl will be handing out your parts." Black Arachnia walks over to Arcee and hands her a script and a costume. Black Arachnia says to Arcee. "You're the innkeeper's wife." Arcee slides her hand under her Princess-Leia-like 'hair buns' Did innkeepers' wives have naturally curly hair?

Black Archnia walks over to Wreck-Gar and hands him a costume. "Wreck-Gar, you're the inn-keeper." "In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat Inn." He says as he calls up a sound byte from an old earth broadcast.

"Kup, you're a shepherd." Black Arachnia states as she moves on.

Kup holds the costume in his hand. "Every year it's the same, I always end up being a shepherd."

Black Arachnia walks over to Silverbolt. "Bolt, you'll have to be all of the animals in our play. Can you be a sheep?" SilverBolt makes the sound "Baaaaaa!" Black Arachnia asks "How about a cow?" SilverBolt makes the sound of a cow. "How about a penguin?" Black Arachnia asks, and SilverBolt walks around with his arms stiffly at his side, making clicking sounds with his feet. Black Arachnia nods. "Yes, he's even a good penguin."

Black Arachnia turns to the group, and calls out. "Listen, all of you." SilverBolt stands behind Black Arachnia and imitates her as she speaks to the group. "You've got to take direction. You've got to have discipline! You've got to have respect for your director!" She turns around and catches SilverBolt mocking her. "I ought to slug you!" she says before SilverBolt comes in and kisses her.

Black Arachnia pushes him away. "Ugh! I've been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!" she cries out, "Aagh!" says SilverBolt.

Optimus says to the group "All right, all right, script girl. Continue with the scripts." Black Arachnia walks over to Cheetor and hands him a script and a costume "Here, memorize these lines." "I can't memorize these lines. This is ridiculous." Cheetor says to her "Memorize it and be ready to recite when your cue comes." Black Arachnia states harshly. "I can't memorize something like this so quickly. Why should I be put through such agony? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this?" Cheetor protests. Black Arachnia smiles. "I'll give you five good reasons." One by one, up to five, her spider-legs go ridged and make a gun-cocking sound, pointing at Cheetor. "One, two, three, four, five." Cheetor gives in. "Those are good reasons. Christmas is not only getting too commercial, it's getting too dangerous."

Optimus looks over at the group, trying to contain his temper as Black Arachnia approaches him "Okay, Mr. Director. The cast is set. Take over." Optimus begins "All right. Let's have it quiet. Places, everybody. Jazz, set the mood for the first scene. Jazz begins playing "Linus and Lucy" which sets the Maximals off dancing again.

Optimus calls out in frustration. "Cut! Cut! No, no, no!" He walks over to Arcee and Wreck-Gar. "Look. Let's rehearse the scene at the inn. Arcee…" Arcee says to him "This can't go on. There's too much dust. It's taking the curl out of my naturally curly hair." Optimus says to her Don't think of it as dust. Think of it as maybe the soil of some great, past civilization, maybe the soil of ancient Babylon. It staggers the imagination. You may be carrying soil that was trod upon by Solomon. Or even Nebuchadnezzar. Besides which, you don't have hair, you are **metal.**" Wreck-Gar looks over to Arcee and says mockingly "Sort of makes you want to treat me with more respect, doesn't it?" Arcee answers with disgust "You're an absolute mess. Just look at yourself!" Wreck-Gar calmly answers "On the contrary, I didn't think I looked that good."

Optimus heads over to Cheetor and Chromia. "Chromia, come here." "What do you want her for? Cheetor asks. "She's going to be your wife." Optimus says as if it was a normal thing to say. "Good grief." Cheetor says as Chromia claps her hands gleefully. She walks over to Cheetor and leans her head on his shoulder. "Isn't he the cutest thing? He has the nicest sense of humor."

Black Arachnia pauses the production of the play. "Energon break. Energon break." "Energon Break?" Optimus questions her as Silverbolt comes in with a metallic dog dish, and begins to perform fancy soccer-ball tricks with it. Optimus calls out again "All right, now. There's no time for foolishness. We've got to get on with our play!"

Black Arachnia realizes something "That's right. What about my part? What about the Christmas Queen? Hmm? Are you going to let all this beauty go to waste? You do think I'm beautiful, don't you, Charlie Brown?" She didn't give him a second to answer only to continue. "You didn't answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn't you? If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would have spoken right up. I know when I've been insulted. I know when I've been insulted!" She walks off wailing.

"By Primus" Optimus says under his breath, then speaks to the group again. "All right, let's take it from the top again. Places. Action." Jazz begins to play the music and the Maximals begin to dance again. "Optimus, isn't this a great play?" Black Arachnia asks. "That does it. Now, look. If we're ever to get this playoff the ground, you've got to have some cooperation!" Optimus pleads to the group.

Black Arachnia looks over to Optimus "What's the matter, Optimus? Don't you think it's great? Optimus cries out "It's all wrong!" Black Arachnia responds with "Look, Charlie. Let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big Predacon syndicate, you know." Optimus says to her "Well, this is one play that's not going to be commercial." "Look, Optimus, What do you want?" Black Arachnia sternly asks him. He responds with "The proper mood. We need a Christmas tree." Black Arachnia smiles "Hey, perhaps a tree. A great, big, shiny aluminum Christmas tree. That's it, Optimus. You get the tree. I'll handle this crowd." The rest of the Maximals gather around them. Optimus says to them "Okay. I'll take Cheetor with me. The rest of you, practice your lines." "Black Arachnia says to him "Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find, Optimus. Maybe paint it pink." Chromia chimes in "Yeah. Do something right for a change, Optimus.

Optimus and Cheetor are walking outside as Optimus begins to speak "I don't know, Cheetor. I just don't know. Well, I guess we'd better concentrate on finding a nice Christmas tree." Cheetor notices some big lights up ahead "I suggest we try those searchlights, Optimus."

They enter a Christmas tree lot and Linus knocks on an aluminum tree, making a metallic clinking sound. "This really brings Christmas close to a person." "Fantastic.." Optimus says sarcastically as they look at all of the various colored trees. They approach a tiny pine tree and a wooden stand, looking awfully pathetic within the sea of colored trees. "Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?" Cheetor asks as Optimus says "

This little green one here seems to need a home." "I don't know, Optimus. Remember what Black Arachnia said? This doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit" Cheetor says. Optimus responds "I don't care. We'll decorate it and it will be just right for our play. Besides, I think it needs me."

Back at the starium, Jazz looks over to Black Arachnia "This is the music I've selected for the Christmas play" and Beethoven's "Fur Elise" begins to play on his speakers. "What kind of Christmas music is that?" Black Arachnia asks him. "Beethoven Christmas music." He says factually. "What has Beethoven got to do with Christmas? Everyone talks about how great Beethoven was. Beethoven wasn't so great." Black Arachnia says to Jazz. Jazz responds with "Good grief." as he begins to play jazz. Silverbolt comes in and dances beside Jazz. Jazz stops the music and SilverBolt keeps on dancing. Once he realizes the music has stopped and that Jazz and Black Arachnia are glaring at him, he slinks off. Jazz one again plays "Fur Elise". Black Arachnia says to him. "By the way, can you play "Jingle Bells"? Jazz plays "Jingle Bells" in classical style. Black Arachnia stops him. "No, no. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, deck them halls and all that stuff

He plays the song, this time, with the sound of an organ. Black Arachnia stops him again. "No, no. You don't get it at all. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, Santa Claus and ho, ho, ho and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls." Jazz, being frustrated, calls up another version of Jingle Bells, this time it sounded like it was played with a single finger. "That's it!" Black Arachnia shouts and Jazz stumbles back and crashes into something.

Optimus and Cheetor enter onto the stage of the stadium, and sets the tree down on the ground. "We're back." The Maximals gather around, astounded at the sad little tree. "Boy, are you stupid, Optimus." Air Razor says. "What kind of a tree is that?" Chromia asks sarcastically. Black Arachnia says to Optimus angrily "You were supposed to get a good tree. Can't you even tell a good tree from a poor tree?" Air Razor looks at the group, frustrated. "I told you he'd goof it up. He's not the kind you can depend on to do anything right." "You're hopeless, Charlie Brown." Chromia says. "Completely hopeless." Arcee agrees.

Optimus looks to the sky. "Primus!"

Black Arachnia says to him "You've been dumb before, Optimus. But this time, you really did it." The rest of the Maximals, and Silverbolt laugh at Optimus' stupidty. "What a tree!" Black Arachnia exclaims as the Maximals walk away, except for Silverbolt, who continues to laugh and then exists.

Cheetor approaches Optimus. "I guess were right, Spots. I shouldn't have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about." He then looks to the sky. "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" "Sure, Optimus. I can tell you what Christmas is all about." Cheetor says before he walks to center stage. "Lights please?" Stadium lights dim and spot shines on Cheetor. "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over

their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown

round about them. And they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for

behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day

in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall

find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying In a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, goodwill toward men."

Cheetor exits the stage and approaches Cheetor. "That's what Christmas is all about, Big Bot." Optimus picks up the little tree and walks out, past the group of Maximals. Enters the dark outdoors and gazes up at the stars while remembering Cheetor's words (Cheetor {echo of previous speech)...for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you."

Optimus speaks to himself. "Cheetor is right. I won't let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas.

I'll take this little tree home and decorate it and I'll show them it really will work in our play." He begins to walk in the distance

Silverbolt's doghouse has the 1st Prize ribbon place on it. Optimus looks at it "First prize? Oh, well, this commercial dog is not going to ruin my Christmas." He places the tree on the ground and picks an ornament from the doghouse and hands it on the little tree. The tree limps over from the weight of the ornament. "I've killed it!" he says with disgust. "Everything I touch gets ruined!" He walks away, leaving the little tree. The Maximals gather around it and Cheetor says "I never thought it was such a bad little tree." He pulls up the droopy branch and wraps a blanket around it. "It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love." The Maximals then begin to dismantle the prize-winning decorated doghouse and using those to decorate the tree, transforming it into a beautiful Christmas tree. Black Arachnia is the first to speak up "Optimus is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree."

The Maximals, all in sync and tune, begin to hum "0 Little Town of Bethlehem." Until Optimus shows up. "What's going on here?" The Maximals shout to him in unison Merry Christmas, Optimus!" He smiles and joins the Maximals when they sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"


End file.
